


cranberry gin fizz

by belldroy101



Series: so easy to love you [2]
Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sexual Content, Underage Drinking, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-28 09:22:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12603412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belldroy101/pseuds/belldroy101
Summary: "it’s the fruity stuff, the stuff that could barely get jinwoo buzzed on a good night, and it’s turning the apples of dongmin’s cheeks rosy and red and his smile blinds jinwoo even from across the room."or; a collection of moments that don't matter, until they do





	cranberry gin fizz

**Author's Note:**

> look who's back with more astro! and with more jincha! and look it's again because i wanted a break from a wip lmao
> 
> i don't think it's overly necessary to read the other story in the series to understand this but i encourage you to read it because there are a few references to it and stuff that would make more sense had you read the first one.

 

* * *

 

  _“self pity becomes your oxygen. but you learned to breathe it without a gasp. so, nobody even notices you're hurting.”_  

jinwoo knew he was in trouble the first time he kissed a girl.

he hadn’t known quite what to expect, had known it would be wet and not the most pleasant, but from all the songs and books; movies and dramas, all the sappy poems he would never, ever admit to reading; told him he would at least feel _something._ and even though his mind repeated again and again, “you’re doing it! you’re finally kissing a girl!” that didn’t make his heart race in excitement the way he thought it would. instead it makes him feel, empty? unaffected?

nothing.

so he kisses kim soonmi behind the bleachers after baseball practice and it’s sloppy and wet and meaningless as all first kisses are and he feels nothing. they pull apart with a soggy _smack_ and she kisses his cheek and scurries away and he watches her leave and runs his tongue over his teeth as though hoping the traces of her left will cause some kind of reaction in him. his fourteen year old self is most definitely concerned, because he is much too smart to not know that this does mean something.

he understands what that something is the first time he kisses a boy.

this time, it’s min kwangji after hip hop class at the dance academy back in ilsan. it happens in the boys bathroom afterschool and all he can think is, “holyshitholyshitholyshit i’m  kissing a boy.” and _this_ makes him feel something. it swoops low and heavy in his belly and even though kwangji smells of sweat and uses too much tongue and really needs to invest in some chapstick all he can think is,

“this is what i was looking for.”

and that is absolutely terrifying.

he knew he was in trouble the first time he kissed a girl, but he knew he was absolutely fucked the first time he kissed a boy. because there was no denying for him anymore, no coming back from the painfully clear truth present in his clammy hands and stomach tight with arousal. but he keeps kissing soonmi’s because him knowing the truth doesn’t mean he can’t keep on pretending. he gets really, really good at pretending. even when kwangji comes out right before he graduates and everyone stops talking to him even though he was one of the best dancers in school. jinwoo pretends not to care, and especially not to notice kwangji's eyes whenever they happen to meet his; not angry, no anger would be easier- but instead they're pitying, as though jinwoo is the one who is in the worse position here. and he wishes, oh how he wishes, that he could be like every else. that he could be dismissive and casually cruel and have it mean nothing. 

jinwoo eventually leaves that school. every once in awhile another man comes into his life and messes him up a little and kisses him a little because jinwoo is so young and so painfully weak sometimes. and some nights when he sits on the seedy hotel bed and watches their backs as they leave; men he doesn't know well enough but who like him because he's small and cute, he thinks kwangji pitied him because he always knew that jinwoo was absolutely pathetic. 

 

* * *

 

_“you’re just another story i can’t tell anyone.”_

dongmin inspires him in a million and one different ways.

jinwoo weaves him into his lyrics and his words, trails the clues behind him like breadcrumbs in the form of notes and metaphor. in some roundabout, lovestruck kind of way; a part of him wishes that people can see the way that he is completely and utterly torn apart by this man. he feels like the suspect at a crime scene, holding up his bloody hands and trying to deny the murder. it’s not only in his lyrics, but he also twists the way he feels into the turns and tumbles of his dancing. he dances with a passion so intense,  so strong that his muscles ache with the exertion he puts into it. he cannot contain how he feels inside himself because there is simply not enough room for it all, so he moves his body across the studio again and again so the feelings can get a taste of freedom, as if there was ever any choice in the matter.

this thing, this thing that neither of them will name, as been going on for months now. he thinks he loves him. he think he always has and he thinks he always will, he thinks there was never any choice. so jinwoo keeps on dancing, and he keeps on writing, until he thinks there just can’t possibly be anything left. but then, in the dark, dongmin’s lips will find his again and the soliloquies will find their way back into his bloodstream as though they never left.

because they never did.

dongmin has talent in a lot of ways and in a lot of places, but one that always gets him is when he plays piano. dongmin plays piano and it is nothing like how jinwoo plays drums. that the instrument is all rawness, all violence and smashing and crashing. the rashes and the calluses and the splintered wood of broken sticks when they just can't take it anymore. but piano isn't like that. dongmin's fingers glide over the keys with a grace and smoothness that should not be real, as though he is coaxing the music out of hiding; gentle and sweet. and jinwoo is too caught up in watching to notice when he's being spoken to.

"do you want to try?" dongmin is looking at him expectantly with his fingers now still against the instrument.

_this is a terrible idea. you'll embarrass yourself. say no._

"uh, yeah. okay. sure."

dongmin's hands are bigger than his own, and when they cover his and gently help his hands strike the keys at first it doesn't work. jinwoo is still too rough with it, he can't make the piano chirp out the pretty notes dongmin had, but instead it plunks out a loud sound of dissonance that has them both laughing. jinwoo throws up his arms in mock frustration.

"i'm awful at this." he sighs dramatically, but dongmin just smiles and takes his hands again in a silent refusal to let him give up. his hands are incredibly soft. 

"the keys aren't trying to kill you hyung, you don't need to attack them like that."

he obnoxiously slams his hands down in response, showing off a clumsy rendition of some old children's song that he learned forever ago.

"still, too hard." dongmin says with a cheeky smile. 

jinwoo pouts at him without even thinking about it and sees the others face brighten.

"you're so cute." dongmin coos, and jinwoo ignores his reddening ears and cheeks at the comment in favor of running his hands over the piano.

dongmin watches him before he takes his hands once more in his, "here, let me help you again."

and it takes time; and effort; and a few more mistakes and a few more too hard hits; but slowly, slowly slowly, the sounds the piano lets out begin to turn pleasant under their fingers together.

somehow, dongmin reminds jinwoo how to be soft and have it be natural. with dongmin, he feels so rough. still unsanded around the edges in a way he doesn't feel he really is with anyone else. and in times like this dongmin reminds him that that softness was always there to begin with. he has the ability to destroy but he does not have to if he doesn't want to.   

jinwoo never masters the piano, but maybe it was never about the piano in the first place.

 

* * *

 

_“great leaders can see the greatness in others when they can’t see it themselves”_

sometimes jinwoo gets so mad he can hardly breathe.

and not the fleeting kind of mad like at the members for silly things like not concentrating or petty bickering. and not the all consuming-hatred kind of mad like at the management for big things like how they are controlled or how the kids are skipping meals again. but this kind of mad, this is the mad he mostly gets at himself. for big things and for little things; for things he maybe can’t control and things he desperately wishes he could.

and he hasn’t gotten to have too many in depth discussions with other people in the industry, but he thinks that’s a side effect of being a leader. he bears that responsibility, and when it doesn’t go as he planned the greatest amount of blame is the blame he places on himself. which is, maybe a bit unhealthy, and maybe a bit unfair; but all jinwoo wants is for astro to succeed. he wants it so bad that he _aches_ with it, and if beating himself up is part of what is needed for that success then he will gladly don two black eyes and bruised ribs.

he wasn't always a good leader, still really isn't sure if he is. but he at least knows he's a better one than he was before.

jinwoo had his faults, sometimes he was lazy, and unfocused; left things off, let them build up and fester. he thinks in hindsight a part of that was his inexperience, going from the baby of his family to the one that everyone looks to had been intimidating at first. so he instead diverted that attention off him, tried to delegate the tasks to others so if they failed the blame was not his. the responsibility had felt choking, and he had never planned on leading. had wondered what they saw in him. he wasn't perfect, still isn't. but the one consistent thing that has _always_ been there is that he has believed in astro. has loved astro. as an idea, as a concept, as a blurry, misshapen thing that had not yet come to be, and then even more once it found it's place. that is what those who had honored him with his title had seen then, and it is what he must now prove every single day. and now he is old enough that any sacrifice for his team is one that he is happy to give. 

but sometimes, every now and then, it gets hard. all by himself.

so sometimes dongmin will come home late from filming something new, when the dorm is silent and everyone else is asleep but jinwoo is still up; writing or practicing or researching or networking until his under eyes are sunken dark and his shoulders slumped. and dongmin will sit beside him and rub the tenseness and make him rotate those shoulders to get the kinks out even though jinwoo groans with the initial pain it brings. he’ll try and move to kiss the older but jinwoo will shrug him off at the last second because _no fooling around in the dorm when the other members are here_. dongmin will purse his lips and go to hold him instead with his arms careful and tight around the smaller and jinwoo will let him because he is still young and still weak.

he can feel dongmin’s lips on the top of his head when he says, “it’s just me hyung, you don’t have to hide.” and those words are all jinwoo needs before he’ll return the embrace and sometimes tears fall and sometimes they don’t but in that moment, in the dead of night, it is just what he needs. he's allowed to give in to intimacy. he's allowed to give in to intimacy. he's allowed to want intimacy. he's allowed to get intimacy. 

later, when they’ve reluctantly parted for the night and are miles away in separate beds in separate rooms jinwoo will do one last thing before he lets himself finally sleep. he has not believed in god for a long time but he sends a prayer up in thanks anyway that someone like lee dongmin exists.

 

* * *

 

_“my favorite place is the warm embrace of holding your hair back in a bathroom stall.”_

he gets the first inkling of _something_ with lee dongmin when he’s out of his mind drunk.

they’re doing promotions for a concept that would definitely frown upon this image of him, wasted and sprawled across a dirty couch in the basement of a friend of a friend. astro is still fresh; like a wound or a flower (or maybe a bit of both.) it’s all still new, still a collection of boys who don’t know each other quite well enough trying to fit themselves into a puzzle that on the surface seems simple, but is more intricate than anyone from the outside realizes. they are still learning how to sand down those sharp edges and be idols, and jinwoo is trying, he really is. his dreams are coming true goddammit, and he’ll be damned if he lets himself screw it up.

going to the party had been myungjun’s idea, a hyung line bonding session with an old friend of mj’s and jinwoo had agreed at the promise of a night away from the kids and free alcohol. originally, it had just been the two of them set to go, but apparently this friend of myungjun’s had a friend that dongmin had worked with in something he had acted for, so dongmin just _had_ to come along. (he isn’t bitter. not that dongmin gets to come and certainly not at the thought of all the friends and connections dongmin already has. he’s not bitter. it’s just the tequila talking. see, he’s still sanding down his edges.)

dongmin is not yet old enough to drink legally, but jinwoo definitely notices the sips of soju he takes when he thinks his hyungs are not looking. it’s the fruity stuff, the stuff that could barely get jinwoo buzzed on a good night, and it’s turning the apples of dongmin’s cheek rosy and red and his smile blinds jinwoo even from across the room.

he loses track of dongmin quickly though when they both wander off to different places. jinwoo is a social guy, and he loves making people laugh. so overall he is thoroughly enjoying messing around and smiling with people he barely knows in the clandestine comfort that is this anonymous darkness. then someone he doesn’t recognize comes up to him two hours and shoots him a knowing look as he says, “hey, your friend. the pretty one. he’s looking a little worse for wear in the bathroom, i’d check up on him if i were you.”

so that’s how jinwoo finds himself rubbing dongmin’s back in a friend of a friends basement on a tuesday night as the younger pukes his guts out. the noises don't do amazing things to jinwoo's own stomach, but he powers through to be there for his member. after a few more minutes of heaving, dongmin sits himself up with a wince and says, “i think i’m done, thank you hyung.” and jinwoo nods and replies, “let’s go home.”

it’s later, when they’re walking home. it’s just the two of them, myungjun staying behind with his friends (always the true life of the party whether there’s alcohol involved or not) and dongmin is still very drunk and jinwoo is tipsy enough to be at peace with the world. the world is still alive even though it's late, the cars and the lights and the shops still teeming with life in this part of the city.

then, dongmin turns and says to him, clear as day among all the noise, “you’re so pretty hyung. so pretty.” with his face all brazen drunken honesty and puppy eyes that make his head spin from something other than the booze.

and there it is. that stir of _something_ again in his gut. and he has to swallow hard and remind himself that dongmin is very, very drunk, and saying things he doesn’t mean that definitely don’t mean the things that they sound like they could. absolutely not. there is no subtext there.

“thanks, i appreciate it. you know, it’s hard being the visual.” he jokes.

‘hey” dongmin laughs, pausing to steady himself on a nearby fence, “that’s not you! that’s me.”

and jinwoo laughs too and nods; all is right with the world again. it was just a blip. a fluke. just like he suspected.

but then, after a pause, sounding scarily sober and scarily vulnerable, “but it should be you jinwoo, i’m pretty- but you- yo-you’re so beautiful. i th-think about you- all the time.”

he doesn’t reply and doesn't dare look at dongmin's face and when they get home he tucks the boy into bed and wills himself to forget the conversation. he knows how this works much too well to ever get his hopes up. this is nothing. it always is.

(this is something. it always was.)

 

* * *

 

_"a friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel."_

minhyuk doesn’t walk in on them like sanha had, but instead figures it out himself.

they’re preparing a stage for an upcoming kcon, a dancing spotlight for the two of them. jinwoo is really looking forward to it, there's always a thrill in getting to show off a little and he's grateful that he gets the opportunity to. they’re taking a break from practicing it when minhyuk says it, in true minhyuk fashion, matter of factly and right to the point.

“something is going on between you and dongmin hyung right?”

his heart begins to race, his throat closes up, but he could have just read the question wrong. minhyuk can’t be saying what he thinks he’s saying, “what do you mean?" he stretches his arms out so they don't cramp up when they start dancing again, "like are we fighting?”

“no...like..you know,"

doubt flashes across minhyuk's face, but he follows through with what he started. 

"romantic stuff.”

jinwoo watches as his world goes off kilter.

in the span of a few seconds: his mind works on overdrive as he digests this development and he wonders, if he should deny it or not. he has known minhyuk for a long time, since he was very young. being both rappers and dancers they have spent countless hours together. and because of this he has seen him grow and change and adapt and become better every single day. seen him even surpass jinwoo in all kinds of ways. he loves all the members, dearly, but minhyuk has a very special place in his heart. and maybe the way that the younger had always looked up to him, always wanted to be just like cool jinwoo hyung, was the part that made it all so hard. the thought of minhyuk thinking less of him makes him feel physically sick.

but he knows, just like he knew with sanha, that there is no use in denying it.

so he steps out with his arms up and his head held high: ready to be nailed to the cross, “how did you find out?”

minhyuk's face doesn't change too much in expression at jinwoo's confession in the form of that question, and jinwoo isn't sure if the lack of emotion is better or worse. “i just guessed. there is something in the way you guys look at each other, and in the way that you always find a way to sneak off together, that just made me think of it.”

“is it...that obvious?” he replies thickly, thinking of all the people that might see what minhyuk sees.

_we're always so careful_

“no hyung, it’s just- i know you. i know the both of you. so of course i can see it.”

jinwoo doesn’t say anything, mostly because he doesn’t know what words he could ever use to formulate his feelings properly. he's a rapper. he makes a living off of his words, but they can never quite come to him in times like these.

minhyuk breaks the silence for him, with a quiet, “i’m happy for you.”

and jinwoo turns to him in surprise, in disbelief, “ you what?”

minhyuk is all that stark, matter of fact, nature when he says, “i said i’m happy for you. you deserve someone who makes you feel good. and he does that. i can see it in the way you dance and the way you write and the way you've been recently.”

“it doesn’t...bother you?” he tries to say it nonchalantly, but feels as though his caring is so painfully evident in his voice. he can’t hide here, not with humor or with casualness. there is no shelter from this storm.

minhyuk makes a sound of disbelief, “i’ve worshiped you since i was a kid hyung, and even if i hadn’t, i can’t imagine why it would ever bother me.”

jinwoo doesn’t process what he says right away. and by the time he replays it a few times, he isn’t crying but his eyes are misty when he says, “thank you for saying that, i love you.”

“i love you too hyung. you know that right? i always will.”

he wipes his eyes on his sleeve and feels raw. stripped bare. but it isn’t a bad feeling. it’s natural succession. natural succession states that even grass can grow from the desolate rock if given enough time. nature always finds a way. jinwoo is growing, and he is growing better.

he has plenty of time.

 

* * *

 

_“it was never just sex. even the fastest, dirtiest, most impersonal screw was about more than sex. it was about connection. it was about looking at another human being and seeing your own loneliness and neediness reflected back.”_

it’s only the second time they’ve kissed, and jinwoo is in way over his head. after the first time, he had vowed to himself it wouldn’t happen again, couldn’t happen, for a million and one reasons. had made list after list in his head, made diagrams and speeches and graphs all only for his own head on all the terrible ways that this could go horribly wrong. yet here they were, less than a week later. back on the floor of the studio.

dongmin’s tongue is tracing the seam of his lips, and jinwoo opens for him because he is so, so, so weak. the kiss is a searing one, full of pent-up, full of fire. he is still learning dongmin, but as the others hands find the base of jinwoo’s skull to pull him even closer; he can't help but think dimly that this is how he likes to be kissed. messy and just a little bit rough. there is a time and a place for gentle kisses that linger and the moments that come with them; but now as the heat of the moment catches them both in her grip, it is the time for something slick and open mouthed. he presses a thigh between dongmin’s legs and is rewarded with the sharp moan the other lets out that brings that swoop of desire in the pit of his stomach. dongmin always looks good, but jinwoo can't believe that he exists in this moment.

they can’t make out for long, but jinwoo is going crazy with want. it’ll never be enough.

"what are we doing?" he whispers in dongmin's ear, taking breaks from leaving wet kisses all over the column of his throat.

"i don't know, giving in to temptation?" dongmin replies breathily, running his fingers through jinwoo's hair to encourage him to keep up his ministrations. 

jinwoo looks up and he's sure his eyes are glassy and unfocused when he says, "it was always going to end up here right? you felt it too? we were inevitable."

"i always knew. even before we kissed. i felt it."

_i knew it i knew it i knew it_

a hand presses to his crotch and he groans against dongmin's neck, ruts into his hand. the panting in his ear only serves to spur him on, and he moves his hand to match dongmin's. they are going to ruin eachother, he knows it.

he'll never get enough of this.  

(months later. even after jinwoo has had dongmin in every way, has had him on him and in him and everything in between. he can confirm: it will never be enough. he will never have enough.)

 

* * *

 

 

 

_“it is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”_   

"you know i'm in love with you right?"

"oh i know, it's inevitable."

"oh my god jinwoo, i'm serious." dongmin laughs, thinking jinwoo is just trying to be fake cocky. 

"i am too," jinwoo whispers, "us loving eachother is the most natural thing in the world. nothing could have changed it."

dongmin's face softens, "you believe that?"

"i know it."

 

* * *

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> pls support astros comeback and watch their new mv if you can, they deserve the entire world and this one is so so good
> 
> (quotes by paul monette, roy bennett, brendon urie, jim morrison, emily maguire, and john powell)
> 
> thank you for reading, if you feel so inclined i'd absolutely love love love hearing what you think in the comments, it's my favorite thing in the world. 
> 
> if you liked this feel free to check out the other things i've written/am currently writing and have a nice day!


End file.
